I know, so not sexual....for the most part. But how about a different perspective about a body part you people seem to worship.
First....a uterine biopsy is not fun. Kinda rates right up there with a pap smear. Or anal sex with no lube. However when you have a huge mass on that deck of cards size organ they tend to become nervous nellies and for some reason HAVE to have a piece of it.
I''m pretty sure that the easiest thing to would of been just to drug me (I'm totally fun when loopy), cut me open and just fucking remove the damn organ AND then run their little experiments on it and let me just recover, eat hospital food, and get a 24 hour break from my rug rats. And maybe get a sponge bath from a hot nurse. Male or female. I'm a equal opportunity perv.
But alas that's not what I got.
I got to strip from the waist down, slide my ass to the edge of the world and spread my legs so far apart my knees were in 2 different time zones. And wait. By myself. BORING. It's not like you rub one out while waiting just for shits and giggles. Not to mention those 'toys' the doc has on the little metal table don't' look enjoyable. Well, the over size speculum was kinda kinky cool.
Doc comes in, shakes my hand, then washes hers. Snaps on the latex gloves and I flinched. Me. Latex. Not a good combo. But hell, she's the doc and must protect herself and me from whatever germs are floating around on her hands and my vagina.
I start breathing deeply....and try to go to my relaxing place. She takes that speculum, runs it under warm water (I so love female GYNs. They 'get it') and proceeds to place it in me and...
omg. what the fuck is she doing to me? Usually when that body part is opening that wide I've had an epidural and I'm trying to push a baby out. HOLY CRAP that fucking HURTS. Breath. Breath. Breath. Then she uses some sort of mascara brush to coat the inside of my girly parts with iodine. Yeah. Looks like a oompa loompa came inside me.
Her next torture device is this long giant Slurpee straw. I swear, the first thing that popped in my head is that they are going to charge my insurance company $300 for something I could walk into any 7-11 and get for free. She sticks that iceee cherry cola sucking stick deep inside me and I swear I almost felt it in the back of my throat. Then I get this crampy sharp feeling like someone just tried to wring my uterus out like a wet dish rag. Breathing again. And totally resisting urge to kick my GYN in the face.
She pulls it out, lays it down, presses down on the speculum and my poor little cervix and vagina pop back into place. And it's then I realize I will never ever be able to have sex with a tiny dicked man again. I'm too stretched out.
I sit up and then I almost pass out. She is plunging that straw and this long worm shaped material comes slithering out of that straw. And it's covered with little itty bitty black dots. I was totally convinced that I had some nasty organism growing inside me and started wondering if all those nights I couldn't remember shit was when some alien space ship must of kidnapped me and impregnated me with their little alien off spring. But no, she assures that was im looking like is completely normal and what she expected. Well, I'm sorry. I googled uterine biopsies and NO WHERE does it say it's gonna look like a moldy spaghetti noodle or cause you to start believing in extra terrestrials.
She washes her hands, tell me to get dressed and I'm free to go. I do as she instructs and walk out, a little hunched over, but still somewhat intact.
Until I get home. I hurt. I start bleeding. Again. So I pop a few pain pills and say FUCK DETOX and go lie down. And listen to my kids fight, the dog bark, and start to cry cuz I know deep down I have earned a overnight in the hospital away from the noise and chaos. And I didn't get it.
24 hours later I get a call because my preliminary tests shows "abnormal cell growth" and would I please come in. However they can't get me in for a week. Geesh. I hope I don't die before then.
Fast forward to Monday at 3:30. I went in to get my results. Doc comes in, shakes my hand, opens my chart and says "I have good news and I have bad news. Good news....No cancer. Bad news....I kinda forgot to do a pap smear when I was doing your biopsy. I need you to strip down from the waist and let's get this taken care of."
I replied, "Look, that's twice in a week you have gotten to play with my va jay jay. I think you owe me dinner". She looked at me like I just sprouted a second head. Damn doc didn't get it.
So here we go again. But this time, I start making my grocery list in my head and next thing I know it's over. Just like when I have boring sex.
I told her to text me the results of my pap smear. Instead, they call me. And this time get me in 24 hours later.
Fuck. I have Cervical Cancer.
I'm given a shot to put me into Menopause to prepare my body for surgery and I am left grieving. Who am I if I'm not allowed to express my sexual nature. Will my body betray me once again?
I'm told that the biggest sex organ is the brain. I'm praying they are right. Because mentally I know I need it, I want it, and I HAVE to HAVE it. So I hope my brain will kick in where my body fails me.
Time will tell.
First....a uterine biopsy is not fun. Kinda rates right up there with a pap smear. Or anal sex with no lube. However when you have a huge mass on that deck of cards size organ they tend to become nervous nellies and for some reason HAVE to have a piece of it.
I''m pretty sure that the easiest thing to would of been just to drug me (I'm totally fun when loopy), cut me open and just fucking remove the damn organ AND then run their little experiments on it and let me just recover, eat hospital food, and get a 24 hour break from my rug rats. And maybe get a sponge bath from a hot nurse. Male or female. I'm a equal opportunity perv.
But alas that's not what I got.
I got to strip from the waist down, slide my ass to the edge of the world and spread my legs so far apart my knees were in 2 different time zones. And wait. By myself. BORING. It's not like you rub one out while waiting just for shits and giggles. Not to mention those 'toys' the doc has on the little metal table don't' look enjoyable. Well, the over size speculum was kinda kinky cool.
Doc comes in, shakes my hand, then washes hers. Snaps on the latex gloves and I flinched. Me. Latex. Not a good combo. But hell, she's the doc and must protect herself and me from whatever germs are floating around on her hands and my vagina.
I start breathing deeply....and try to go to my relaxing place. She takes that speculum, runs it under warm water (I so love female GYNs. They 'get it') and proceeds to place it in me and...
omg. what the fuck is she doing to me? Usually when that body part is opening that wide I've had an epidural and I'm trying to push a baby out. HOLY CRAP that fucking HURTS. Breath. Breath. Breath. Then she uses some sort of mascara brush to coat the inside of my girly parts with iodine. Yeah. Looks like a oompa loompa came inside me.
Her next torture device is this long giant Slurpee straw. I swear, the first thing that popped in my head is that they are going to charge my insurance company $300 for something I could walk into any 7-11 and get for free. She sticks that iceee cherry cola sucking stick deep inside me and I swear I almost felt it in the back of my throat. Then I get this crampy sharp feeling like someone just tried to wring my uterus out like a wet dish rag. Breathing again. And totally resisting urge to kick my GYN in the face.
She pulls it out, lays it down, presses down on the speculum and my poor little cervix and vagina pop back into place. And it's then I realize I will never ever be able to have sex with a tiny dicked man again. I'm too stretched out.
I sit up and then I almost pass out. She is plunging that straw and this long worm shaped material comes slithering out of that straw. And it's covered with little itty bitty black dots. I was totally convinced that I had some nasty organism growing inside me and started wondering if all those nights I couldn't remember shit was when some alien space ship must of kidnapped me and impregnated me with their little alien off spring. But no, she assures that was im looking like is completely normal and what she expected. Well, I'm sorry. I googled uterine biopsies and NO WHERE does it say it's gonna look like a moldy spaghetti noodle or cause you to start believing in extra terrestrials.
She washes her hands, tell me to get dressed and I'm free to go. I do as she instructs and walk out, a little hunched over, but still somewhat intact.
Until I get home. I hurt. I start bleeding. Again. So I pop a few pain pills and say FUCK DETOX and go lie down. And listen to my kids fight, the dog bark, and start to cry cuz I know deep down I have earned a overnight in the hospital away from the noise and chaos. And I didn't get it.
24 hours later I get a call because my preliminary tests shows "abnormal cell growth" and would I please come in. However they can't get me in for a week. Geesh. I hope I don't die before then.
Fast forward to Monday at 3:30. I went in to get my results. Doc comes in, shakes my hand, opens my chart and says "I have good news and I have bad news. Good news....No cancer. Bad news....I kinda forgot to do a pap smear when I was doing your biopsy. I need you to strip down from the waist and let's get this taken care of."
I replied, "Look, that's twice in a week you have gotten to play with my va jay jay. I think you owe me dinner". She looked at me like I just sprouted a second head. Damn doc didn't get it.
So here we go again. But this time, I start making my grocery list in my head and next thing I know it's over. Just like when I have boring sex.
I told her to text me the results of my pap smear. Instead, they call me. And this time get me in 24 hours later.
Fuck. I have Cervical Cancer.
I'm given a shot to put me into Menopause to prepare my body for surgery and I am left grieving. Who am I if I'm not allowed to express my sexual nature. Will my body betray me once again?
I'm told that the biggest sex organ is the brain. I'm praying they are right. Because mentally I know I need it, I want it, and I HAVE to HAVE it. So I hope my brain will kick in where my body fails me.
Time will tell.
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